Happy 26th

"Happy birthday to Edmund...happy birthday to you..."

Yes! that tune is still playing in my head. I feel happy. Really blessed and happy.

The celebration started off as early as two weeks back, where we all gathered in the hotel room, playing all sorts of drinking games and polluting the room with our crazy laughter all the way till late. The superior room at Grand Mercure hotel wasn't as big as I thought, which was quite a letdown. But after some shifting and rearranging of furniture, we managed to make a reasonably big space for approximately 15 people to sit in a circle.

To me, one of the best moments in life is witnessing your different groups of friends coming together and enjoying each other's company. I think because it not only dismisses the fear of social awkwardness, which is admittedly always my main concern whenever I gather the different cliques, but it also makes you feel accomplished knowing that all your friends are gathered because of you and are enjoying every minute of it (or so it seems. haha)

After almost two months, the faithful leftovers of C140 finally met up again. The obvious decrease in the frequency of our meetups only further highlights how much we rely on Pq in the past; it is also our attempt at making her feel more guilty. Haha. It's good to see them again. Not a complete turnout but we had an equally fun time.

Besides my birthday, I've another reason to believe that July is going to be the best month this year: I finally told my parents about my Vietnam plan. Come to think of it, I think breaking the news to them and then receiving their support were the best birthday gifts I could ask for. They were surprisingly calm and receptive about the whole idea (there were no raising of voices and no attempts at dissuasion) and because of that I felt quite stupid for overdramatizing this whole buildup. I should have had more belief in them :-(

Now that the family factor is out of the way, I can safely work towards bringing everything to fruition, which also translates to new worries and concerns - what should I prepare? Have I done enough research? How am I going to make full use of my remaining weeks here?

I could use a list. Yes! I need a laundry list.

I'm Ok

It has been almost 6 months and still I can't bring myself to say 'I'm good' whenever someone asks 'How are you?'.

'I'm ok' would be my reply.

'Ok' because it sits somewhere between 'bad' and 'good'. Putting it into context, I, for the past 6 months, have been preoccupying myself with very depressing and (some) lighthearted events. Ever since the start of the year, I find myself dwelling in some kind of compelling unhappiness; I've done things I never thought I would do, like waking up early and taking a stroll at the park (healthy, but when someone like me does this, it's an aberration) and coming back at night and lying on my bed, motionless for hours only to wake up after to wash up and sleep properly. I feel like my soul has been sucked up into a vacuum cleaner.

Then there are the fun times, the laughter, the silver linings, all of which wouldn't have been possible without my quirky, yet awesome bunch of friends. They put me on the 'good' side of the 'I'm Ok' spectrum. They remind me, sometimes even just for a minute, that I'm capable of picking myself up and indulging in simple pleasures like dissolving into uncontrollable laughter and making myself feel whole again. I'm thankful for their constant presence, as well as their undivided attention when I needed it most.

Throughout the past 6 months, I've come to know the people whom I'd never trade the world for. And I promise to reciprocate when it's time for me to do so.

Time heals all wounds, and friends are there to make the process less painful.

Brave frontier!

I believe this is going to be one of those entries that will make me laugh when I look back at it few years later.

It's about my current addiction - the mobile game Brave frontier!

Ever since Army, I never expect myself to indulge in games, mainly because the thought of siting in front of my laptop for hours and clicking away furiously has become unappealing; what was once a past time has become a waste of time!

I couldn't imagine myself getting hooked on to gaming again, much less a mobile game. But thanks to Yong Han, I'm now reminded of my secondary school 'counterstrike days', where the virtual experience takes up the many hours of my day. But this time round, it's not so much of wanting to rush home and start playing because my phone is always by my side.

That means I'm almost on it every minute...

Guys being guys, we just can't contain the excitement when we discover a new (gaming) addiction. So I told my friends about it and urged them to join in the fun. The next thing I know, all of them 'befriended' me in the game, our WhatsApp group name becomes 'Brave Frontier SIAO!', and our conversations, both online and off, revolve mainly around the game. It's crazy!

But I'm not quite like my younger self, which is a huge relief. Even though sometimes emotions would get the better of me (when I lose a battle or when the game crashes!), I'm still sane enough to know that the things around me matter more than what's going on behind that screen. Scoring high points in the game would not pay for my meals, neither would it be something that I'm proud of. This is the difference between my 16 year old self and now.

I'm not intending to stop playing just yet and I hope my friends wouldn't either because I'll miss those serious 'strategy discussions', as well as the crappy jokes.

Yes, we are 26 this year but we are still young at heart!

The Alchemist

I always have this nostalgic reaction whenever I see, hear or read about something that I used to go crazy about. And it could be anything from a movie to an old song or, in this instance, a book. It is that kind of occurrence that evokes all the happy memories of that past indulgence and makes me want to relive that moment again. I think it's because when people say good things about it, I see it as a form of affirmation that I'm doing or loving something right.

Recently, I came across a blog entry and a short write-up in the '8 days' magazine about the book 'The Alchemist' by the Brazilian author Paulo Coelho. I finished reading it a few months back and it's easily one of my favourite reads; it's one of those few books that can make me stare at my tablet for hours and smile quite idiotically to myself as I digest each sentence with a sense of fulfillment.

So when I saw other people talking about this book, that same feeling of affirmation struck me; it reminded me of how happy I was to stumble upon such an amazing novel. And of course, it makes me feel like re-reading it.

'The Alchemist' tells about a young shepherd named Santiago whose purpose in life was to travel. His parents had wanted to him to become a priest but ever since he was a child, he wanted to travel and see the world, to see how people live. His adventure stemmed from this recurring dream that he had, a dream about finding a treasure in the Pyramids of Egypt. After gaining further affirmation from a gypsy that he must go to the Pyramids, he traveled across the Sahara in search of the treasure.

There are two reasons why I love this story:

1) It's travel-related. I love reading travel novels because it makes me feel like I'm actually in that particular city, or country. I'm able to glean vicarious pleasure from the words and adjectives used to describe the place. It feels like a 'mental' vacation. Furthermore, this story talks about the Pyramids of Egypt, a place that I've visited not so long ago, so it becomes more relatable.

2) A young boy leaving his family behind just to travel the world and follow his dreams - I can't think of anything more inspiring. Every so often, we would hear people talking about following your dreams and doing what you want but how many of them actually know what they are talking about? Or how many actually mean what they say? That's why I love reading books like this because it has so much meaning and substance.

So if anyone is looking for a short and easy read (167 pages), and is in need of some inspiration, this book could be your guiding light!

I shall end this entry with some of my favourite lines from 'The Alchemist':

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

"He never realised that people are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of"

"If you start out by promising what you don't even have yet, you'll lose your desire to work toward getting it."

"And when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises"

Change

This year seems to be a year of extended farewells and departures; three of my close friends are already trotting on foreign land for both academic and employment purposes and they won't be back anytime before December; my closest friend is flying around the world, working hard to put a smile on the passengers' faces and make them feel that their vacation hasn't actually ended or has already begun. Hence, gathering with friends now seems incomplete; occasionally, it feels like something is amiss.

And it is very likely that I will soon find myself in the midst of a transient and expatriate lifestyle - I'm planning to live, study, and work in Vietnam for a few months starting September. I've told a couple of my friends about it and they are, to a large extent, supportive of this choice. And that really means a lot to me. I wasn't expecting a resounding and definite 'go for it!' from them and it's understandably so - I myself was feeling unsure about this whole idea from the start and I wavered back and forth for months before I finally took a big and decisive step forward. But still, all of these would mean nothing without my family's support and consent. Yes, after I click the 'publish' button, you can say that the whole world will know about this. Except them. And I'm still waiting for the right moment to break the news to them. But what does the 'right moment' even mean? The idea of waking up on a cool Sunday morning with everyone at home happily talking to one another in the living room might qualify but such a scenario is so - and it breaks my heart to say this - uncommon at home that I can just categorise it as 'unrealistic'. So I guess it's not so much the 'right moment' as having the nerve to sit them down and talk.

I've thought of some possible questions that they might ask (I can already hear their bewildered voices in my head):

1. What am I going to do there?
2. How long will I be there for?
3. Why do I want to go there?
4. What am I going to do when I come back?

And my carefully formulated response would be:

1. I'm planning to teach English there. I'll study for a month for the TEFL certificate and then look for a few gigs. Having that certificate and a degree under my belt will increase my chances of employment so I'm in a fairly good position. The teachers there are also pretty well-paid so if I can secure a job early, then I should be fairly secured financially for the months to come.

2. I'm looking at around 4 months (honestly, I'm thinking of at least 6 months but that might be too big of a blow for them). I'm also planning to make a few trips back every now and then (not sure if time permits but I'm sure they could use a little assurance).

3. I just feel like going abroad and living by myself for a while. I really love the city, its people, and the lifestyle. It's so different from Singapore and it would require a lot of getting used to but I'm sure I can adapt to it. Besides, this would be an excellent opportunity to grow and learn to become more independent, to become more appreciative of what we have back home.

4. I'm not so sure about that yet. But what I know for certain is that if I miss the chance to do this, I'll sorely regret. I don't want to be one of those people who wake up on a Monday morning feeling extremely reluctant to go to work and while lying in their bed, they look back on their life and regret not doing the things they wanted back then and that there is no such thing as a 'second chance'.

My parents just asked me yesterday if I have any plans after my graduation ceremony in August. And I was really surprised and shocked. The timing of this did freak me out a little. Of course, I gave the usual ambiguous reply and changed the subject.

Sigh. I didn't mean to lie. It's as difficult for me as it is for them. But would they be even more hurt if they find out about this? I hope not :-(

Family

This morning, I was wakened by a heated exchange between my Dad and my Grandpa. It's not the first time such ugly incident has happened at home. And because of that I've grown to become partially numb but not totally unsympathetic about it. I know my Grandpa is the one throwing tantrums, spouting unreasonable remarks but I don't blame or hate him. His bad temper and frequent unreasonable changes of mood can only be attributed to old age; he has gotten a little senile. It's funny and sad at the time that the things I usually see on TV is actually happening to us now - the Jack Neo's film 'Money not enough 2' is definitely something I can relate to right now.

After all these incidents, I know that my parents' relationship with my Grandpa is probably strained beyond repair. I hope I'm wrong though. I hope I can still wake up happily on a Sunday morning to a harmonious living room.

Sunset

This is one of my favourite movie scenes. I can't believe I'm putting this on loop instead of a song. 

It's too beautiful, too real and relatable.