Christmas this year has been a short-lived merriment for me. Short-lived because it ended when I got back home in the afternoon after a night of celebration. It's still the 25th of December but it feels like Christmas has already passed; with no scheduled or impromptu encores, and 6 out of 7 family members at home, this can only mean that the remaining hours of Yuletide will slowly tick away with the exact cadence as a regular Sunday afternoon.
Much has happened in the recent weeks. 5% good and 95% bad. Words and emotions brought me down to my lowest point and hampered my ability to see through every passing minute with an authentic bout of joy. I couldn't get rid of that one insidious thought that had been planted in my mind ever since I found out that I was no longer the one; the thought that left me a wreck.
Home has also not quite been a refuge lately. An unoccupied resting space that is a bed or couch has been anything but comfortable. The moment I lie down and close my eyes, I begin to think of the entire build up to this undesirable state that I'm in. Gradually, as I remain motionless, I find myself shutting out the whole world; everything around me becomes nonexistent. Except my phone - the only object that can save me from this limbo. I wish for it to move, to vibrate because that could be her on the other end. And when it does, the vibration is not so much the subtle alert perceived by the rational mind as an emphatic wake up call that helps me regain consciousness.
It is then I realised hours have passed. Precious minutes have been wasted on thinking and worrying about things that I have no control over. But I feel that I don't even have control over my thoughts.
Perhaps the only thing that can still provide the remaining days of 2013 with a little joy is my trip to India tomorrow. I don't really believe that everything is fated. But in this case, the decision to fly during this period seems to be predestined. I couldn't have chosen a better time to leave.
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